i woke up this morning particularly anxious. it's not uncommon, but it was set on by a very specific dream that involved my mom forcing my sisters and i to go to this huge generic mega church (anxiety inducing alone). in the pew in front of us was this woman - they called her margaret - who was always constantly and erratically standing up, in a huff, left the pew then would return throughout the service. everyone around would just shake their heads and murmur "oh, margaret". my mom, meanwhile was so cross-looking (not in a holy way). and it seemed directed at us, but she was never upfront about it (typical). we left the church eventually and on our way home we took an usual route - imagine this, if you will - going "freestyle" backwards up a mile-high dry waterslide. we had to make it all the way to the top where someone would grab us by the legs and hoist us up. i have no idea physically how this was happening, all i knew was that i was on the verge of falling down that mile high slide, upside down and the person who was supposed to be bringing me up wasn't paying attention and i felt so viscerally that i was about to make the plunge. i feel my hands get sweaty as i write that. but lo and behold i was hoisted over the top and then i woke up.
the will that i felt in trying to make it to the top was the closest to a life and death experience i've ever had. how does the brain do that? i have never experienced a nearly fatal death plunge, yet i can imagine it so intensely that my whole body responds while i'm sleeping and jolts me awake.
hence, the anxiety filled awakening. it's the start of the new year and there's so many resolutions and what not invading social media it's almost like a plague. and i get it. i am someone who enjoys goals - well...maybe not enjoys, but needs. i appreciate, let's say, goals, milestones, bettering oneself. but when it's all done at once by seemingly everyone on the planet, it feels so absurd. and i know i can't do it all.
it feels more like a reminder of all the ways i've already failed at: keeping my house clean, drinking more water, being more intentional, caring more for others, saving money, reading more, saying "yes". more more more more more more more GOD
i've been in an anxious state anyways, well, it's my default state unfortunately, and something that makes me more anxious the more i think about it. knowing your anxiety making you more anxious....god what a vicious cycle.
i walk around my house everyday thinking of everything that could be better, cleaner, more organized, more minimal. and then i just feel defeated - there is a mountain before me. and as soon as i turn around, the bathtub needs to be bleached, and the floors still have a layer of salt on them from the snow being tracked in, and the stove top continually has crumbs.
and i'd be fine if i only cared about what other people thought. but it bothers me. i am someone who needs an orderly and clean space in order to think properly. but i lack the actual skills of organization and knowledge of proper cleaning products. and the bitter cold and chaos of the city doesn't help my motivation at all.
all that said ...
well, that's it.
i woke up this morning and nothing changed, and i was still anxious and my house was still disorderly in my terms and everywhere i turn there is something new, but
i realized i just needed to write about it. and typing is faster than handwriting - plus i have a fear that i'm getting arthritis in one of my fingers on my right hand, but it's only lasted for a couple of days but i'm a minor hypochondriac so....
there's just something damn cathartic about writing your experience. even unedited and uneloquently (word?). there's a power there that
i'm not gonna preach about
because this little personal journal is simply for the catharsis of writing and nothing else and no one will pay attention, i think and it's not branded and it's not put together and you can't hashtag it and there's no stress to it
because it's not going to be something
it just is - vapid and stabilizing all at the same time.
no cute send offs or xoxo's my followers or any of that
not like there's anything wrong with that
here is a return to my old self, the self that didn't care so much. and hopefully discovering the person who is still here.